5151.

ugh. not in a good place right now. once upon a time i'd get drunk or high to escape moods like this. but you'd be surprised what a bad habit that is to get into.

eventually i learned not to panic. if i just tough it out, eventually crappy moods do go away. they take too damned long, but they do go away. the best thing to do is keep a lid on things, try to keep from saying or doing anything i'll regret, and just tough it out

the trick is that the intensity of the cravings i get depends on recency of exposure. the more recently (and often) i've used alcohol or cannabis, the worse they are. the only thing that brings the cravings down to a manageable level is starving them out: total abstinence. i had to fuck my life up with substance abuse enough times to where i realized that only total abstinence would work, and it was worth it.

against that? yeah i'll deal with feeling shitty for the rest of the night, if it means i don't feed my cravings any more. it's not worth it.

and that's how i decided to quit the both of them, after 15 years of long, miserable experimentation. i think by exhaustion i've managed to prove a negative: theres no sane relationship to be had with either of them, not for me. it makes me sad.

all around me i see ppl having healthy relationships with alcohol and cannabis. they get to enjoy recreational substance use, and i dont. every time i try, my neurochemistry goes pear-shaped, and i stop behaving rationally. its sad, but its how it is, and theres no pretending otherwise, not anymore.

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