i started identifying as queer last summer, just as a logical thing. the "straight, bi, or gay" label selection doesnt really work for me, cuz it breaks down with people who have gender trouble. im homoerotic and panromantic anyhow. i could say i was a lesbian i guess, on a technicality, but im in a platonic relationship with a man rn, so that doesnt exactly play well.
ive been calling myself queer for 9 months, but its only in the last week that ive integrated the queer aesthetic: ive come to understand that the cishet mainstream doesnt have a monopoly on cultural legitimacy. assimilating into cishet womanhood doesnt need to be a goal for me as a transfeminine person, cisgay womanhood neither.
i can define my gender presentation for myself, be just as radically genderpunk as i want to be, and i need answer to no one.
im interested to find that, after going to all that trouble to prove to myself that im a woman, i find i just dont care anymore. yes im female. i ought to be able to put F on forms, take a Ms. in front of my name, get called 'she', all that shit. but i dont care about emulating cis womanhood at all.
im not about to renounce my trans womanhood. i fought myself over that long enough; that fight is done. but its not a coincidence im more likely to call myself just "transgender" or "a trans person" than "a trans woman". if i really need to pick a side i call myself transfeminine. am i slipping back towards demigirl?
tbh i dont give a shit.
if male and female are my only options, ill call myself female. if all the gender options open up? ... ill still call myself female, and then move the fuck on, cuz im tired of trying to label myself. for serious my gender role is "queer" now. im adding in feminine gender signals, the ones i like, but im keeping the masculine ones i like too, and i dont really care how people see me.
it took time. ive felt this way for awhile— going all the way back to the beginning of my gender trouble. ive never inhabited the female gender role very comfortably. the word "genderpunk" flitted into my headspace awhile ago, and ive been toying with it. it describes my mixture of gender signals well. but it wasnt until i internalized the queer identity that i felt okay with saying:
this? this mixture of gender signals? that looks so much like a trans person on their way to assimilating into their real gender? this isnt a transitional presentation. im not becoming anything. ive already arrived.
im not trying to be a cis woman. i dont care anymore whether i emulate cis women well. i am succeeding at being a radical genderpunk. my gender role is queer.
i can stop being dissatisfied with how i present now. i can stop being dissatisfied with the body i have, with the things ill never be able to change. i can stop being binarist about it, stop being stressed about whether i match the male pattern or the female pattern (which is a sucker's game, im trans, that question is always going to make me hurt inside).
i can flip the table. i can say this is my body, this is my gender presentation, and if the gender binary doesnt work for me i dont have to play by its rules anymore. ive never played by its rules, but only tonight have i realized i dont have to, theyre stupid rules.
ive never needed to assimilate to modern femme womanhood. im chagrinned that its taken me this long to realize that, tho i guess most women do eventually. but also? i dont need to assimilate to modern butch womanhood either. i can just do whatever.
i can carve my own path, plant my flag where i like, and say: this is my gender presentation, its not like anybody else's— at all— and its not supposed to be.
im absolutely free.