5153.

does the fact that calling myself a woman out loud makes me vaguely uncomfortable signify something deeper? on rereading no. 5152 in the cold light of morning, it reads more like a genderqueer's manifesto than anything else.

i find it unclear whether discomfort with established womanhood and the female gender role should be taken as signifying discomfort with being a woman. its legit to be as butch, or as femme, or as other-nonstandard-presentation, as i want to be, without my gender identity being in question. but i can call it into question if i want; and the section on my gender identity in the foregoing has a defensive quality.

i realized i wasnt a man on november 25th, 2013. i spent a few months believing i was a woman, before reconsidering hard. from spring 2013 through spring 2014 i debated the topic with myself. im certainly familiar with nonbinary identities now, cuz i think in that period i cycled through every one there is. the term transfeminine stuck with me; i find it attractive now as a self-descriptor, more so by far than woman.

finally at the end of march i decided to transition. i didnt decide i was a woman until a week later. i thought wanting to transition meant i had to be a woman.

conveniently, that gender identity lasted long enough to get me The Letter, and get my transition going, without facing the extra level of gatekeeping nonbinary ppl often deal with. but its been overturned this morning with just a few hours' consideration. relative to the decision i made last spring, i needed a lot more experience with trans discourse before i could get to where i understood that preferring female gender signifiers (pronouns, title, gender flag) in cis society doesnt make me a woman.

i am making changes to my body, driven largely by dysphoria, but i dont have to agree with society about what my new body signifies. im changing my affect, mannerisms, and gender signifiers, but those dont mean anything either. nothing can make me a woman if i dont have a fundamental level of comfort with the idea. and i dont have that.

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